Archive for the ‘desserts’ Tag

Dealing with the “Forbidden Fruit”

How can I better frame/label a dessert buffet, whether it is at a gathering at someone’s house or at a function, so that it is not such a big anxiety-ridden deal, that I don’t look at dessert as “forbidden fruit”?

What if at future occasions where there is going to be dessert buffets, before I even get there, gave myself permission to go over my calorie count that day by a few hundred calories?  (Logically, I know that if I go over my calorie count once in a while it will not be the end of the world.  I have proved that to myself in the past when I have had little slips.  Twenty pounds does not magically jump onto my body from eating 200 calories over my count once in a while.)  What if I allowed myself to have bits of desserts that I thought looked good and stopped making it seem like “forbidden fruit.”  Would it take away the yearning and compulsion to eat something  I know I shouldn’t?  If I were kinder to myself that way, would that be liberating and freeing for me? 

What if I stopped working so hard at being so disciplined with my eating at these ‘events’ and allowed myself to be free and human, and not make the desserts into such a taboo thing.  And while I prefer to eat my calories instead of drinking them, what if I had one entire drink with my dinner so I can relax a little bit and let my hair down, instead of having to cut out dessert or part of my meal to make up for the calories.

The million dollar question:  If I did these things, made the dinner drink and desserts acceptable, would it be the greatest, most freeing thing in the world, or would it lead me back to binging?

Is my strict, discipline (read: control) the reason for my success of almost two years  of abstinence and keeping my weight loss for over a year, or perhaps would trying to let go of my strictness going somehow free me and my mind from the angst?

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Dealing with the "Forbidden Fruit"

How can I better frame/label a dessert buffet, whether it is at a gathering at someone’s house or at a function, so that it is not such a big anxiety-ridden deal, that I don’t look at dessert as “forbidden fruit”?

What if at future occasions where there is going to be dessert buffets, before I even get there, gave myself permission to go over my calorie count that day by a few hundred calories?  (Logically, I know that if I go over my calorie count once in a while it will not be the end of the world.  I have proved that to myself in the past when I have had little slips.  Twenty pounds does not magically jump onto my body from eating 200 calories over my count once in a while.)  What if I allowed myself to have bits of desserts that I thought looked good and stopped making it seem like “forbidden fruit.”  Would it take away the yearning and compulsion to eat something  I know I shouldn’t?  If I were kinder to myself that way, would that be liberating and freeing for me? 

What if I stopped working so hard at being so disciplined with my eating at these ‘events’ and allowed myself to be free and human, and not make the desserts into such a taboo thing.  And while I prefer to eat my calories instead of drinking them, what if I had one entire drink with my dinner so I can relax a little bit and let my hair down, instead of having to cut out dessert or part of my meal to make up for the calories.

The million dollar question:  If I did these things, made the dinner drink and desserts acceptable, would it be the greatest, most freeing thing in the world, or would it lead me back to binging?

Is my strict, discipline (read: control) the reason for my success of almost two years  of abstinence and keeping my weight loss for over a year, or perhaps would trying to let go of my strictness going somehow free me and my mind from the angst?

Compulsive Eating at Thanksgiving Dinner

*Sigh*  I knew going into the holiday that it was going to be rough.  I always have a tough time when  there is a buffet of some sort.  I’m pretty good with “meal” foods, but it’s the buffet of desserts that gets me.

The first step of OA is to admit that you are powerless over food. Well, once again I have proven that this is certainly the case with me.  I am weak.  It’s as if I can’t be trusted around certain foods.  It makes me feel disappointed in myself, that I don’ have the self-control to stay away.  I should never take the first bite.  I won’t bore you with the details of what desserts I ate, but suffice to say that I took the proverbial first bite, thought the bites were really good, and had some more bites.  This happened with four different desserts.  At home , on a regular day, I can take the first bite, but when I’m not in my home and it is some occasion where there is a lot of desserts, this sickness clouds my rational thoughts.

Now, the fact of the matter is that I only went over my calorie count by about 250 calories.  I could have done tons more damage, and in the past I would have in a heartbeat.  I consider myself as having kept my abstinence because even though I compulsively ate more dessert than I planned on,  because thankfully I was able to put on the brakes before it got worse, I didn’t continue the eating at home and today I’m right back on track.  But ugh, I still felt a little full after we got back home last night.  I never eat until I’m full.  For SO many years I used to eat until I was physically ill, but for close to two years I have not done that.  I did not like feeling that fullness I felt last night.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that going over my count by 250 calories is not the end of the world.  It was the compulsive behavior that was so upsetting to me.  It is just always a hair away from the surface and can easily cross the surface at any given moment. 

I have put Thanksgiving dinner behind me, there is nothing I can do about it now.  All I can do is make today a good one (which I did) and continue to take it one day at a time.   Still, it sucks to feel week, powerless and out of control.  I know all the tricks, made my plans, didn’t frame the desserts in some negative way and yet, I still succumbed to the compulsion.  It’s like I can talk the talk but I can’t walk the walk. 

I hate that I’m probably going to go through this for the rest of my life.  While I would love to avoid family dinners, special occasions, etc. and stay safe in my home cocoon, I know that that is not a reality.  I have to live my life, which includes these dinners and events.  I need to either find a better way of dealing with the compulsion, or just assume I’m going to go a little overboard, let it happen within reason, be kind to myself about it, then just get back on the horse the following day. 

This sucks.

The Pediatrician Confirmed our Fears

My husband and I thought that our newly-minted 10-yr-old daughter has been looking pretty thin over the last six to nine months.  She had always been a picky eater (like her mom), but her zen for desserts/junk food seemed to be changing.  Whereas prior to that time, on any given day you could count on her to be into having junk food when it was offered, she started to decline such foods on a random basis. 

My first thoughts were of happiness – my daughter had a normal relationship with food and didn’t eat just to eat, and could listen to her body’s signals that she was full or just plain not hungry – woohoo!!!!  What I would give to be  be that way!

Quickly though, those thoughts changed.  As someone who started becoming a compulsive overeater at right around her age, my radar of course went up.  So my thoughts turned to – what effect me and my eating habits and/or the peer pressure at school were having on her.

Because of my issues and being acutely aware of all the body image issues out there for kids these days, my husband and I never used the word “fat” in our house.  You would never hear the words “do these jeans make my butt look big” or the like, because we didn’t want our kids to hear that kind of stuff.  Well, as much as we’d like to keep our kids in a bubble of our protected world, they of course heard those terms and phrases at school and on disney shows (!!), so those terms came into our home.

She had always been an average weight for most of her life, but now she was looking decidedly thin.  So at her 10-yr check up last week, our fears were confirmed.  Apprarently, at this age, kids are supposed to gain about 5 pounds a year.  Well, my daughter grew only 1-1/4 inches and LOST 2 lbs over the course of the past year!  So compared to last year, her height went from being the 45th percentile to the 30th and her weight went from the 50th percentile to the 20th percentile. 

So the doctor wants to see her back again in six weeks to see if there has been any change in her weight.  At that time, the doctor may or may not send our daughter for blood work to make sure it is not a medical issue.

Assuming there is no medical problem, as she is otherwise healthy, I can’t help but wonder what part of this weight issue is from what she mimics of me and what part is peer related. After the nurse weighed and measured her, and we were waiting for the doctor to come in, I was looking at my little record book of her heights and weights and noticed the drop.  I casually mentioned it to my daughter and she made a comment about not wanting to get fat.  I know that is not something ever said in this house, however, I am her mother, her main care-giver, and I’m sure some of my sickness is evident to her in some fasion.  *sigh*  I have not told her (or my younger son) about my eating disorder because I think she is too young to really comprehend it.  But I will definitely have a talk with her about it when my husband and I feel the time is right.

So my husband and I are supposed to, in a relaxed fashion,  encourage her to eat more, such as having a snack before bed, which we haven’t done in the past.  We are hoping that by her hearing from the doctor that she needs to eat more, and our gentle prodding, that she will put some weight back on.