Archive for the ‘weight loss’ Tag

23 Months of Binge-Free Abstinence!

I can’t believe it, two days ago I hit the 23-month abstinence mark.  For almost two years I have been binge-free.  I have kept off my weight loss for 14 months.  I am SO happy to be able to make both of those statements.  It has certainly been quite challenging, day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute, but  if I can do it, anybody can.

Looking back on these past 23 months… In the beginning, I enjoyed going to one certain OA meeting once a week for about a year or so, but then I found out that a friend was also a compulsive eater and my daily email shares with her took the place of the weekly meeting so I stopped going to the meeting.  While it would certainly not hurt to go to the meeting, my work load has picked up, I feel like between this wonderful friend, my husband (and now this blog!), that I am able to talk about whatever is on my mind and put it out there in the universe. As my blog tag-line says, “you are only as sick as your secrets” and I find that really holds true for me.  When I come clean about my thoughts and any little slips I’ve had, it makes it much easier to move on as oppposed to keeping them bottled up inside of me.  My honesty sets me free.

I did not work all the steps of OA.  For me, the first two were enough (for now anyway) to put me on the right course.  The first two steps gave me the ability to take ownership of this eating disorder, which for the past 30+ years I didn’t even know I had. 

I know that I will have food issues for life.  I am a work-in-progress.  I know that once you are a compulsive (over)eater, you can never totally leave the “title” behind no matter how many years you are in recovery or abstinent.  I think that totally sucks, but I have taken ownership of it.  I do hope that with therapy and whatever else I can pick up along the way, that in the future, easier days will become the majority, and the hard days, the minority.  That is what I’m striving for.   I want to turn 23 months into 23 years. 

I know that I may never have a normal relationship with food, but I want to get as close as possible, so that food, and thoughts of food, will not rule my world anymore.

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Dealing with the “Forbidden Fruit”

How can I better frame/label a dessert buffet, whether it is at a gathering at someone’s house or at a function, so that it is not such a big anxiety-ridden deal, that I don’t look at dessert as “forbidden fruit”?

What if at future occasions where there is going to be dessert buffets, before I even get there, gave myself permission to go over my calorie count that day by a few hundred calories?  (Logically, I know that if I go over my calorie count once in a while it will not be the end of the world.  I have proved that to myself in the past when I have had little slips.  Twenty pounds does not magically jump onto my body from eating 200 calories over my count once in a while.)  What if I allowed myself to have bits of desserts that I thought looked good and stopped making it seem like “forbidden fruit.”  Would it take away the yearning and compulsion to eat something  I know I shouldn’t?  If I were kinder to myself that way, would that be liberating and freeing for me? 

What if I stopped working so hard at being so disciplined with my eating at these ‘events’ and allowed myself to be free and human, and not make the desserts into such a taboo thing.  And while I prefer to eat my calories instead of drinking them, what if I had one entire drink with my dinner so I can relax a little bit and let my hair down, instead of having to cut out dessert or part of my meal to make up for the calories.

The million dollar question:  If I did these things, made the dinner drink and desserts acceptable, would it be the greatest, most freeing thing in the world, or would it lead me back to binging?

Is my strict, discipline (read: control) the reason for my success of almost two years  of abstinence and keeping my weight loss for over a year, or perhaps would trying to let go of my strictness going somehow free me and my mind from the angst?

Dealing with the "Forbidden Fruit"

How can I better frame/label a dessert buffet, whether it is at a gathering at someone’s house or at a function, so that it is not such a big anxiety-ridden deal, that I don’t look at dessert as “forbidden fruit”?

What if at future occasions where there is going to be dessert buffets, before I even get there, gave myself permission to go over my calorie count that day by a few hundred calories?  (Logically, I know that if I go over my calorie count once in a while it will not be the end of the world.  I have proved that to myself in the past when I have had little slips.  Twenty pounds does not magically jump onto my body from eating 200 calories over my count once in a while.)  What if I allowed myself to have bits of desserts that I thought looked good and stopped making it seem like “forbidden fruit.”  Would it take away the yearning and compulsion to eat something  I know I shouldn’t?  If I were kinder to myself that way, would that be liberating and freeing for me? 

What if I stopped working so hard at being so disciplined with my eating at these ‘events’ and allowed myself to be free and human, and not make the desserts into such a taboo thing.  And while I prefer to eat my calories instead of drinking them, what if I had one entire drink with my dinner so I can relax a little bit and let my hair down, instead of having to cut out dessert or part of my meal to make up for the calories.

The million dollar question:  If I did these things, made the dinner drink and desserts acceptable, would it be the greatest, most freeing thing in the world, or would it lead me back to binging?

Is my strict, discipline (read: control) the reason for my success of almost two years  of abstinence and keeping my weight loss for over a year, or perhaps would trying to let go of my strictness going somehow free me and my mind from the angst?